Failure, something nobody wants to experience. In today's culture, where perfection is publicized by the media more than ever before, failure is rarely looked at as an opportunity to learn. In my observation, there are generally four types of reaction to failure: reaction one is where the person can not handle it and takes drastic measures, two is the exact opposite, the person still takes drastic measures, but uses the failure as a learning tool and a push to move forward. The third reaction is generally an ignorant state where the person refuses to accept the reality of their failure, and the fourth is a person who finds shame in their failure. The first and third reactions are both dangerous reactions. The first can lead to suicidal attempts, alcoholism, drugs and any other method to take away the pain. The third reaction often results in running from the fact and can cause a person to run from everyone they know and love in an effort to ignore the failure. It can also be seen in the person who continues on with life not doing anything to correct the failure as they try to continue pretending that the elephant in the room does not exist.
Until a year ago, I had not had any large failures in my life that had truly caused me to have to choose which way I would let failure take me. Sure, there are the little things a child faces, but they were just that, the little things. Before I can explain what my failure was and how it affected me, I am going to give a little bit of background. For my whole life, my academic achievements have been very important to me. If you would have asked me what my college goal was as a young child, and even up to a year or two ago, I would have responded to graduate with a 4.0 GPA. For some reason, from a young age I found my identity in my academic capabilities and placed great importance on them. Thankfully, school always came easy for me, especially in history, the subject I loved. One summer I could not wait for school to start and decided to go ahead and read through the history curriculum mom had bought for school that year. I LOVED it and had it finished in a week! I then enjoyed when mom would read that year getting to add in details I had missed to my "movies in my head" as I liked to call them. (Quick definition, a "movie in your head" is another term for a very good imagination. When I learn something I picture it so that I can actually see it in my head. This is a very effective learning tool unless you have a problem with anything medically related. It causes great problems in science class. Side effects can be feeling nauseous, seeing stars, feeling light headed or passing out. All of those just mentioned I know from experience.... in science class. :P ) Anyway, I loved school. Sure, summer break was always fun, but when it was time for the school year to begin I was always excited.
Needless to say, when I entered college I was ready to take on my lifelong goal of graduating with a 4.0. Now, I need to explain real fast, I do not do college in the traditional brick and mortar form. I am enrolled in a program called CollegePlus where I CLEP out of the majority of my classes and take the rest online. This allows me to work at my own pace according to what my schedule dictates and is also a great deal cheaper and guarantees I will be able to graduate debt free. The beginning of college was a struggle for me, but I was still getting high scores on my tests. It was a whole new concept for me to learn just to pass a test, not to truly learn something for the enjoyment of it. However, after a semester I was finally beginning to find a groove that was working and I was beginning to pick up speed. Then, the American Government test came. This was the fastest I had gone through the study material to date and I was so excited to go take that test. At the time, I felt a check in my spirit as if I should wait, but I ignored it and scheduled my test for the end of the week. I went into the test and discovered that the majority of the content had never been covered in my study materials. I answered everything the best I could and prayed that I could pass, if even by just one point! Finally, the most terrifying part of every test, I hit the submit button and waited for the results to pop up. They finally did, and I had missed passing by one point. One point! It was all I could do to hold it together before I could make it out to my vehicle and text my parents what had happened before the tears began coming. Why? Why did this happen? I was finally figuring this college thing out, and now this??? We later learned that just a short time prior CLEP had changed the content of the test and I was one of the students to discover it the hard way.
I found out the hard way that it is very easy for me to respond to failure by blaming myself. For the next several months I struggled hard with this feeling of worthlessness. It did not just affect my studies, but it effected everything I did. I was a failure. For the first time in my memory, I had failed a test. I kept asking myself what had happened to the girl who was going to graduate with that 4.0? I have always been a perfectionist, but especially when it comes to myself. I had placed such importance in my academics that without realizing it I had almost built my existence around them. Finally, after months of struggling, I finally figured this fact out. Instead of building my existence around Jesus, I had managed to try to build up this facade of perfection, and I had found that in academics. God began to teach me that I don't have to be perfect, actually failure can be a good thing. Did I just say that? Yep, failure can actually be a GOOD thing. In a world that is screaming at us about the perfection that we need to measure up to, I discovered that sometimes God teaches us not when everything is perfect, but when we are walking through the valley of failure.
Since that day last Spring, God has brought me a long way. I now understand that I do not have to be that 4.0 student to receive His love. While I had always known that in a head knowledge kind of way, I now know that in a real way. A way that was painful to learn, but is more real to me than I have ever felt in my life. God loves me the way I am, the imperfect person that I am. That is why He sent His son to die on the cross for me. Not because I was perfect, He would not have had to come if I was. He came because I am IMPERFECT. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8 I did not discover all of this right away, God actually taught most of it to me without me fully realizing it. I actually did not realize the extent of how He had changed me until a few months ago when I left my testing center with a smile on my face, praising God with a score that once would have made me angry. It was a totally respectable score, it just was not the 100% to which I had once held myself. As I drove home that day it suddenly hit me how God had changed that determined perfectionist into a girl that is now just thankful to be moving forward.
Blessings, Michelle
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